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| The surface is fine and powdery. |
Introduction: The politically correct review of this week's games, Time Commando and Fire Fight, is presented from two hypothetical perspectives: female and male.
Scene 1: Girl's and Guy's eyes are glued to the monitor of a PC, while Girl maniacally types on the keyboard. The computer randomly spews out sounds that resemble the words "Sega," "Aww yeah," and "Fuck!"
Guy: Hi, I'm Guy and this is Girl, and we're playing a super-cool game called Time Commando by Activision. Actually, the game is pretty formulaic. Basically, you're a person who travels back in time to save the future from destruction -- a computer virus. You go through all of these time periods, such as the prehistoric era, the Roman empire, feudal Japan, and the old West and solve problems. Ever heard of Quantum Leap?! Well, Time Commando is a lot less intelligent and involves a lot more violence. The game is more like Mortal Kombat, only not as fast moving.
Girl: Kill! Kill! Death! Kill! (Girl begins to drool.)
Guy: I can't believe you're subscribing to this hedonistic savagery. All you do is whack people on the head with a club.
Girl: Kill! Kill! Death! ... Heeeyy it's Christopher Columbus, discoverer of the New World... You're going down Chris!!!
Guy: I can't believe you just bludgeoned the Father of America.
Girl: Mmmmm, mindless violence. Plus, it offers an accurate portrayal of the historic peoples. Observe as I slaughter this Incan with my authentic blowgun.
Guy: But it's their land! They were here first!
Girl: No, no it's not like that... Here, I'll slice this fat Medieval missionary in half just for you.
Guy: I'm ashamed of you! He's not fat. He's horizontally challenged -- a man of substance!
Girl: Whoa, the walls are moving. Yo, check out the phat-ass 3-D graphics.
Guy: But look at the character design; the main character is so cheesy-looking, and his stubble is so nasty. He resembles one of those guys from that old MTV Talking Heads video.
Girl: And he's got big boobs!
Guy: They are not boobs, they're frontal lobal regions... Uhh, but they are kinda big.
Girl: And a great ass!
Guy: I've seen a lot better. Speaking of better, there are many better games out there: Quake, Duke Nukem, and Mortal Kombat. And some role-playing games require a lot more thought than Time Commando. Girlfriend, why do you like this game anyway?
Girl: It appeals to my feminist values. You blow up women as well as men.
Guy: This would be more enjoyable with a joystick.
Girl: Guy, we all know you want a joystick to play with!
Guy: I am not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... er... Let's play something else!
Girl: How about this Epic Megagames game -- it's called Fire Fight.
Scene 2: Guy and Girl pull out a red CD case. Guy inserts the CD into the drive and they go at it. Five minutes later...
Guy: Do you like it?
Girl: The game is boring. It sucks.
Guy: Hey, how come this game takes so long to load?
Girl: I dunno. It sucks.
Guy: Guess what? I went to a nude beach last week.
Girl: Oh.
(Another five minutes go by.)
Guy: Okay, here it goes. Hey, it's talking to me. What am I supposed to do?
Girl: The game is based on something about a galactic law and order. You fly a spaceship, The Jagger, while obliterating buildings and enemy ships. You'll be better off downloading the shareware version because Fire Fight sucks.
Guy: How do I control this crazy thing? I can't get it to go the right way, and the guns don't respond to the keyboard controls. I'll just use the mouse to play. Well, I guess the graphics are pretty okay. I'll give them an "A" for effort. What about you, Girl?
Girl: The way the background moves too quickly gives me a headache, but at least the spaceship pilot is cute. Other than that, it sucks. I mean, Fire Fight isn't even about firefighters! Where are the fine firetrucks and the red-hot firemen?
Guy: Yeah! Umm... uhh...
Girl gives Guy a knowing look.
Girl: Anyway, this game does give you the option of multiplayer network play, where the object of the game is to blow each other away. So you can have fun with up to three other friends online, and chat with them. Of course, if you find this game amusing, you probably don't have any friends to play with.
Guy: I have to admit, Fire Fight isn't very interesting. Let's go study accounting!
Girl: Yeah!!!
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