on the little screen

Yes, television CAN change your life!!! Here's how!!!

A closer look at the important part of television -- the commercials

By Jennifer F. Estaris

With all the talk-show, soap opera, regurgitated comedy, I-wanna-look-like-Dennis-Rodman bam bam bam trash that fills our television screen, it's good to know we can enlighten our measly lives with commercials. Yes, commercials -- those short two-minute confessionals -- hold the answer to all our questions. With decreasing attention paid to philosophy, religion, aesthetics, political science and other forms of higher learning, where can we turn? Commercials. Where else can we feel the sense of belonging, the sense of family? Where else can we discover the meaning of life on channel 42? Where else can we understand the absolute power of Plato and the republic? Commercials. By interpreting commercials the right way, you can learn the same things taught by college professors.

Allow me to elaborate. Do you watch commercials? Of course you do. Do you watch subliminal messages? Give me money! Of course you don't. Commercials don't try to brainwash; they tell it to you like it is. Interpretation is the key. Remember the Bible? Think of it this way: with commercials, every company has its own chapter, from Genesis to Revelations. Every slogan is a verse, such as "We'll make it any way you like it." (Burger King 1:16). It's that easy!

Beauty. What is it? Is it the unattainable Barbie, with her fancy pink Cadillac and her killer wardrobe? No. Is it the Revlon women, who bare their bodies and kiss men seductively yet share the same slogan as the feminists: "We women deserve it all." No. For these commercial are not as popular as Kate Moss's Obsession with starvation and sexuality. Current trends indicate that skinny is beautiful. (The Pillsbury theory vehemently counters with the assertation that fat is phat but only if you're made out of dough.) As for sex, CKone gives further support of equating sex with beauty.

The bottom line? Popularity defines beauty. (Yeah, those damn Sweet Valley High books were right. However, we do not have time to go into such literary greats.)

As we all know, Mentos will not make us roll around on a freshly painted bench. Cheesy background singers and an Esperanto accented narrator do not, unfortunately, accompany our everyday lives. Yet the fact that the commercial can be enjoyed in numerous countries proves that world peace can exist. The Mentos world is a model, or a Utopia, if you will.

Models, graphs, equations--all are simplified versions of reality. Think economics. "Doesn't it feel good to Payless?" This brief commentary explores the theory of prices. As prices decrease, money demand decreases as well, leading to more desired saving, lower interest rates and higher investment. Future overall production is therefore increased, which, classical or Keynesian, clearly leads to the scientific theory of "feeling good."

AT&T and Sprint, implementing the anti-exemplary idea, show how competition will result in a loss for both sides, a.k.a. the prisoner's dilemma. So then what? Call 1-800-Collect and keep your significant other happy. If you don't have a lover, there are always commercials about women and men who "like to talk about anything!...Just call 1-900-We-Are-18." (Here the use of age limit ameliorates the legal fears of statutory rape, rather than promoting pedophilia.)

Even with a happy marriage, watching commercials should still be an integral part of life, especially if your family acquires children of some sort. Let's say both you and your spouse work 9 to 5; creativity is at a standstill. The children are hungry and whining. Now what? Ask yourself, "Where's the beef?" Beef -- it's what's for dinner. Or Pizza! Pizza! And of course, the easiest answer: Stove-Top Stuffing! The kids will go wild and honor you forever. What about bed-time stories? Grimm's fairy tales aren't p.c. Stories about the boogie-man or the evil sandman aren't scary anymore. Now what? Describe horrific details of Kathie Lee Gifford on a cruise ship. Illustrate the decaying effects of the nuclear family with the help of the Duracell family. Et cetera.

This one is easy. "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" is not a cry for standing help, but a plea for euthanasia. Fortunately, MedicAlert expresses our guilt as a society by allowing such useless beings to rely on machines for aid. Perhaps this product is a foreshadowing of the future; instead of death, we add more robotic parts until we gradually become immortal computers.

How can we reach God? Easier done than said. Simply expand your attention span to watch the Psychic Friends Network infomercial. Once you pick up the phone, you have found your very own Calvinism! Or at the very least, you believe in the philosophy of fate. Other philosophies/religions available are:

* "Just for the fun of it, Diet Coke." Hedonism and Carpe Diem.

* "The Energizer Bunny: it keeps going and going and going..." Zeno's paradox. (Batteries not included.)

* Non-chalant, surreal sayings such as "'Cause I'm drinking milk." "I feel like chicken tonight." "Nyquil will help you get your Z's." Z, as in Zen.

Let us leave this motorcycle gang group-thought and move on to the ego, the individual -- the personal car. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" questions the viewer's fulfillment of life. The commercial asks, "Are you driven at all? Do you have a goal in life? Do you have control?" If the answers are no, then the alternative question, according to Huxley, is: "Have you tried some soma lately?" You see, controlling life is tough. "Build. Ford. Tough." "Chevrolet: Like a Rock." "Saab: a sports sedan to be reckoned with." "Lexus: the relentless pursuit of perfection." All these slogans emphasize aggressiveness of oneself. Those who lack in such self-confidence may turn to a more introspective view, such as "Be All You Can Be."

Please note that filtering through interpretations is important. For example, Coca-Cola is an omniscient power: "Always Coca-Cola", "Coke is it." Nike ads tell us to "Just do it." Mountain Dew ads want us to "Do the Dew." One may make a mathematical error such as:

Coke is it + Just do it + Do the Dew = Just do (Do the Dew) it (Coke is it)= Just Dew Coke

This is just plain wrong and doesn't even make any sense. Additionally, the use of fountain drinks may lead one to think of The Fountainhead, which leads to objectivism. The word "objectivism" has the word "object" in it, and as we all know, Thou shalt not have any false idols before Me, unless they are Chia Pets.

See, commercials are important. Without them, we'd be lost (plus we'd have to watch a whole show without a restroom break). If you still have questions, feel free to write to the Diva of Commercialism. A voluntary $50 donation is required. You can also call toll-free, $3.95 the first minute, $70/minute thereafter.

Life. It's not just a cereal anymore. Don't leave home without it (Visa, MasterCard not accepted).

Please E-mail StreetWeb@dp.upenn.edu with any questions or comments.